Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...Week 29, Day 1

I watched Biggest Loser tonight with someone I love dearly. But she hurt my feelings and made me cry. And I don't think she even realized what she did. When the contestants were being weighed in, one of her comments was, "Oh gross!" As I was explaining about Daris, a sweet young fellow who had never had a girlfriend, this young lady I was watching the show with said, "Well, of course not! Look at him!" I told her it was such a shame because Daris is a sweet guy and girls had been missing out on that because they only saw the outside, and it's sad this great guy got himself trapped in a fat body. And she said, "No one is ever trapped in circumstances. They can always do something about it." I quit talking about the show after that and changed the subject. When she left and my dad and I were talking about it later, I tried to be all grown up and well-adjusted about it, but I hurt too much. I cried. Only for a little bit. But I couldn't help but let a little of the hurt out.

I still love this person I watched the show with, of course. She's just young and has not experienced enough in life to readjust her ability to assess more deeply. But now I know what she thinks when she looks at me. I know it's not a lot different than what many think when they look at me. It's probably why it's been years since anyone has asked me out on a date. It has probably hurt me in my job hunt. I wonder if I would have been laid off last year if I had been thin. My boss was really skinny -- did she see me the same way the young lady tonight sees fat people and decide to move me to the top of the list of people to cut from the payroll? People online like me, but they haven't seen me. People who knew me years ago still like me, but they haven't seen me as a fat person. Will I only have value again when I'm either thin or invisible?

I'm feeling very sad and conflicted tonight. I'm sad because my relationship with this young lady has been damaged. Yes, I still love her, and I forgive her. She has many qualities that are absolutely wonderful. But I am hurt that she made such harsh judgments. I am sad, too, because I have always felt insecure about my appearance, even when I was thin. Now I'm feeling fat and ugly. And I know that's not the right way to think, but it's honestly how I feel right now and I can't help it. Some days I feel pretty, but today isn't one of them.

On the other hand, I want to stay focused and positive. I want to keep moving forward, and I want to get thin because it's healthy, not because I'm doing it to gain some sort of favor or acceptance from anyone else. I'm doing it for ME, and I want to keep doing it for me. I want to do it so I am stronger and more fit and can live a healthy, happy life for as long as possible. Outward beauty fades, whether you're thin or fat, so I can't do this just for that. And doing it to get others to like me is wrong, because if they don't like me because of my personality, faith, and values, then I don't want them for friends anyway. So I have to stay focused on good positive reasons why I'm doing this. And I KNOW I can do this. I'm stronger already. Little by little I've already lost a lot of weight, and little by little I'm going to lose more and get even stronger.

But today I'm feeling sad...and not so very strong. :(

Plus, Plus, Minus --Week 28, Day 7

Today was the day for stepping up the pace. This whole past month of traipsing around various hospitals, I haven't been wearing the new fitness shoes Adam bought me for Christmas. It seemed like an unnecessary stress at a time when I had enough stresses. But today I added them back to my walking routine. Plus, I started carrying 5 pound weights as I walk. PLUS, Dad and I worked up to a half a mile. All these pluses hopefully will lead more quickly to a bunch of minuses on the scale!

I had cream of wheat for breakfast and a half an onion and garlic bagel for lunch. Mom made dinner. Not so diet-friendly, but very nice of her -- spam, lots of potatoes with butter, and mixed veggies. I'll do extra leg lifts tonight to try to work it off. Choices. Sometimes not being rude is the better choice.

Today's Tip:
Prevention Magazine online is featuring 6 Eating Rules for Faster Weight Loss. Rule Number One is about Fiber:

Eat at least 20 grams of fiber per day from whole grains, fruits, and
vegetables. Fiber helps keep you feeling full longer—a big benefit when
you’re trying to lose weight. A 2009 study from Brigham Young University
College of Health and Human Performance demonstrated that women who ate more
fiber significantly lowered their risk of gaining weight and fat. Each gram
of fiber eaten correlated to 1/2 pound less body weight. The researchers
suspect that the higher fiber intake led to a reduction in total calories
over time.

To read more of the tips, go to Prevention at: http://online.prevention.com/6eatingrules/index.shtml

Where Do You Buy Normal? Week 28, Day 6

It will be another two or three more weeks before I can go home. I had been looking forward to going back to "normal" life, but I don't think that's possible. Something has happened this past month. I will not be returning as the same person. I will have lost weight, gained strength, faced fears, gone from Winter to Spring, and learned how to go from mournful tears to joyful smiles again. And somehow I will have to find a new "normal". I think I'll spend these next few weeks deciding what I want my new normal to be. I can do that -- times like this in life present a unique opportunity to make improvements and take quantum leaps forward. It can be uncomfortable to not have "normal" to go home to...almost scary. But I believe I chose to embrace this as a good thing. :)

I think back two months ago and remember being scared and sad about what was coming up with Dad. Afraid we were going to lose him, afraid I couldn't handle that, afraid I couldn't handle the terrible sadness and the decisions and the many other things that come along with losing the rock of the family. I was afraid that even if he survived, I wasn't physically strong enough yet to take care of him and Mom during his recovery after surgery. Since this all began, we came close to losing Dad far too many times, I have taken care of both Dad and Mom every day, and I have taken care of myself without anyone helping me. I have walked the halls of the hospitals, carrying suitcases and bags with me every day, several times a day. I have slept in chairs and on floors and gone days with only a few hours of sleep. Two months ago Adam had not been on his own and I had not ever been away from him for more than a week. When I return home again, I will be a stronger person in many ways and he will have spent two months on his own, also stronger in many ways.

Dad and I have begun walking together the past couple of days, just like we planned on doing before his second trip to the hospital. We've been going to the hospital to walk -- it's a location with places to sit if he gets tired, long hallways, medical help if he has trouble, and no pollen to bother his allergies. And he's doing great. We started out with him only able to go up and down the 250-foot hallway once, and today he did four times. Tomorrow I'll bet we do five or six.

He never did much walking or fitness activity before surgery, but the multiple complications after surgery really alarmed him. The doctor said a lot of it is that Dad is just an old man --or as the doctor more tactfully put it, Dad has had enough birthdays that it is harder for his body to bounce back. But Dad asked the doctor if there isn't something that Dad could do to help himself not only recover faster this time but also turn back the clock enough that in the future he can avoid some of the troubles he faced this time. The doctor said the best thing he can do is to walk -- it increases his lung capacity, helps his cells function better, improves his cardio fitness, and just generally boosts his body's overall strength and ability to fight. Dad will never be a young man again, of course, but if he can turn the clock back even just five years, his body will be better off. Dad was scared enough and frustrated enough by this past month's medical troubles that he is determined to do his part to make things better, so it takes no persuasion at all to get him to go walking each day. He's ready to go! I hope when I go back to my home, we will have created a habit and Dad will keep up the new walking lifestyle.

Today's Tip:
Don't wait until something medically catastrophic in life to establish better fitness habits. Dad had to nearly die before he became enthusiastic about walking. But life is enhanced and even preserved when we take care of our bodies, and even something as simple as walking a bit each day can make a big difference. We get to decide what our "normal" is, and now is a good time to make better fitness a part of our daily "normal".