Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...Week 29, Day 1

I watched Biggest Loser tonight with someone I love dearly. But she hurt my feelings and made me cry. And I don't think she even realized what she did. When the contestants were being weighed in, one of her comments was, "Oh gross!" As I was explaining about Daris, a sweet young fellow who had never had a girlfriend, this young lady I was watching the show with said, "Well, of course not! Look at him!" I told her it was such a shame because Daris is a sweet guy and girls had been missing out on that because they only saw the outside, and it's sad this great guy got himself trapped in a fat body. And she said, "No one is ever trapped in circumstances. They can always do something about it." I quit talking about the show after that and changed the subject. When she left and my dad and I were talking about it later, I tried to be all grown up and well-adjusted about it, but I hurt too much. I cried. Only for a little bit. But I couldn't help but let a little of the hurt out.

I still love this person I watched the show with, of course. She's just young and has not experienced enough in life to readjust her ability to assess more deeply. But now I know what she thinks when she looks at me. I know it's not a lot different than what many think when they look at me. It's probably why it's been years since anyone has asked me out on a date. It has probably hurt me in my job hunt. I wonder if I would have been laid off last year if I had been thin. My boss was really skinny -- did she see me the same way the young lady tonight sees fat people and decide to move me to the top of the list of people to cut from the payroll? People online like me, but they haven't seen me. People who knew me years ago still like me, but they haven't seen me as a fat person. Will I only have value again when I'm either thin or invisible?

I'm feeling very sad and conflicted tonight. I'm sad because my relationship with this young lady has been damaged. Yes, I still love her, and I forgive her. She has many qualities that are absolutely wonderful. But I am hurt that she made such harsh judgments. I am sad, too, because I have always felt insecure about my appearance, even when I was thin. Now I'm feeling fat and ugly. And I know that's not the right way to think, but it's honestly how I feel right now and I can't help it. Some days I feel pretty, but today isn't one of them.

On the other hand, I want to stay focused and positive. I want to keep moving forward, and I want to get thin because it's healthy, not because I'm doing it to gain some sort of favor or acceptance from anyone else. I'm doing it for ME, and I want to keep doing it for me. I want to do it so I am stronger and more fit and can live a healthy, happy life for as long as possible. Outward beauty fades, whether you're thin or fat, so I can't do this just for that. And doing it to get others to like me is wrong, because if they don't like me because of my personality, faith, and values, then I don't want them for friends anyway. So I have to stay focused on good positive reasons why I'm doing this. And I KNOW I can do this. I'm stronger already. Little by little I've already lost a lot of weight, and little by little I'm going to lose more and get even stronger.

But today I'm feeling sad...and not so very strong. :(