Poop. No really....Poop. Week 32, Day 5

Who am I and what am I doing here? Gawd, I hate being this old and still needing to "find myself". My body is falling apart. I have no job and am having no luck getting new clients. And I feel like my dreams are evaporating in front of my eyes. I've been home a week, and it hasn't been a good one. It gets better, though, right?

We had friends over on Wednesday, and I got pizza for us for dinner. Chicken pizza from Dominos. I thought if I was going to eat something less than perfect for a diet, then at least chicken was a good choice. Wrong. My "luck" being what it is, I bit into a stray bone and it broke a tooth on the "good" side of my mouth. Who breaks a tooth on pizza? Pizza? Really? I didn't hear from Dominos until late Friday afternoon, and their insurance company tells me that it is the responsibility of the food supplier, who will get in touch with me "in a few days". I don't know what that means. I suspect that means they are passing the buck and I'll have to get an attorney. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm so stinkin' screwed I can hardly believe it.

I swallowed the offending bone, so I had to spend time Thursday retrieving it. I don't think I need to get graphic about just how I had to do that. Suffice it to say it was NOT pleasant. I know myself better than I ever wanted to. At least I have now once and for all with great certainty "eliminated" a couple of particular career paths.

I have spent a sizeable amount of time this past week job hunting. I applied places I would rather eat tin foil than actually work at. But the time has come for drastic measures. And the time has come for me to drop any illusions about actually being able to earn a living anymore as a writer. I did for several years. And I really thought I could continue. It was my dream for most of my life. But I guess the time has come for me to let go of the dream and wake up. I sure wish I could have slept a little while longer. In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to learn how to do website design. Anyone want to teach me the finer points? I have the basics and can alter sites that are already up. I just need to learn how to set one up from scratch. Moving foward...right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot...

I promised Dad that when I came home I would walk each day just as we had done when I was in Iowa. I have done that nearly every day. The only days I didn't was on Friday when I was getting the calls from Dominos and their insurance agents. I needed to have my notes with me and didn't want to carry them with me to the mall. I've tried walking outside, and it's still a bit too hard for me. I walked down to the supermarket with Adam, but there isn't a good place to sit along the way, and I still need to do that. Plus, the pollen count is really high right now. So I think I need to really stick with the mall. I checked into the mall walking program at the mall near us, and there doesn't seem to be one ( I think I mentioned that before), so I just go until I"m really tired. I have the time right now, so I might as well just do the walking and resting thing each time until my legs and feet hurt. No pain, no gain, right? I started working with my weights in the evenings, and this coming week I'll start using my bike again, too. Maybe I can go clothes shopping again. Ah yes, the silver lining again! :) Some goals are still attainable, and I will not give up.

Today's Tip:
When life involves sorting through a lot of crap (sometimes literally), keep moving forward toward the goals you know you can still achieve. Maybe, just maybe you'll find that the others are still achievable, too. It's worth a try.

Little Girl Lost Goes Shopping, Week 31, Day 7

Seven weeks after Dad's surgery, delighted with a happy ending to the story, I'm back home in Omaha again trying to figure out what my new definition of "normal" is. I came home Saturday evening, and I must admit, I'm a bit lost. As happy as I am to be home with Adam, I miss my mom and dad, First Son, Wifey, and Little Man. And I miss being needed. I miss the routine. I had a routine before all this started, but it is no longer adequate because I've changed. So here I am with no routine, Adam is at work all day, so I am alone, and I have no purpose. I am lost. What an odd feeling to be 50 years old and still needing to "find myself".

There are two ways to deal with depressing situations -- chocolate and shopping. Being a good dieter, I opted for shopping. Being unemployed, I had to be very, very selective, but I must say, this was one of the most uplifting shopping trips I've had in ages. When I started this weight loss journey, my clothing size was 24. You know, that's really, really HUGE. Today I am no longer huge. I am fat, but I am not really awful anymore. I am a size (drumroll, please).....16. That being said, I have to admit, though, that shorts do NOT look good on me yet. I tried. And then I laughed at how awful I looked. And then I tried on more reasonable clothes. While I was in Red Oak and had cable TV, I watched a few episodes of What Not to Wear, and I picked up some pointers on how to adjust to going from fat to skinnier. Good thing. It really does take some adjusting. It's okay now to wear clothes that are more form-fitting, for instance. I no longer need to drown myself in layers and loose-fitting clothes to hide the ripples. And a little flounce on top draws attention away from the bottom that is still too big. I loved shopping! And I feel pretty with these two new outfits that are perfect for office wear -- for either a new job or new clients for my consulting business.

Dad promised to keep walking each day, and he wanted me to do the same. He said between 2 o'clock and 3 o'clock each day he would be thinking of me and hoping I was continuing what he and I had started. Bless his heart! I was so much wanting him to persevere and continue the fitness fight, and here he is, encouraging me. I love him so much! And so yesterday and today I have gone out and walked, then checked in with him, comparing notes so we each stay on track. He has a better idea of how much he does since we measured out his steps at the hospital -- yesterday he walked a half a mile, and today he had physical therapy. I, on the other hand, don't have such accurate measurements. I walked about 6 blocks yesterday -- down to Kmart and back. That's much further than I could have gone 7 weeks ago. Before then, I was limited to having to walk at the store with the aid of a cart. Now I can go on my own. Unlike at the hospital with Dad, though, there was no place to sit and rest on the trek to Kmart and back. And there is plenty of pollen to bother my breathing. So I think I need to mostly stick with indoors walking. Today I went to the mall. To my surprise, there isn't a mall walking program there. Not that anyone knew about anyway. And no one knew about the distance estimates around the corridors. So I just walked as much as I could, sitting when I needed to, and stopped when my legs and feet started hurting.

Today's Tip:
You don't have to have cable television (I don't) to get the benefits of TLC's What Not to Wear. Great video tips are located online at: http://tlc.discovery.com/videos/what-not-to-wear-style-tips/