Poop. No really....Poop. Week 32, Day 5

Who am I and what am I doing here? Gawd, I hate being this old and still needing to "find myself". My body is falling apart. I have no job and am having no luck getting new clients. And I feel like my dreams are evaporating in front of my eyes. I've been home a week, and it hasn't been a good one. It gets better, though, right?

We had friends over on Wednesday, and I got pizza for us for dinner. Chicken pizza from Dominos. I thought if I was going to eat something less than perfect for a diet, then at least chicken was a good choice. Wrong. My "luck" being what it is, I bit into a stray bone and it broke a tooth on the "good" side of my mouth. Who breaks a tooth on pizza? Pizza? Really? I didn't hear from Dominos until late Friday afternoon, and their insurance company tells me that it is the responsibility of the food supplier, who will get in touch with me "in a few days". I don't know what that means. I suspect that means they are passing the buck and I'll have to get an attorney. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm so stinkin' screwed I can hardly believe it.

I swallowed the offending bone, so I had to spend time Thursday retrieving it. I don't think I need to get graphic about just how I had to do that. Suffice it to say it was NOT pleasant. I know myself better than I ever wanted to. At least I have now once and for all with great certainty "eliminated" a couple of particular career paths.

I have spent a sizeable amount of time this past week job hunting. I applied places I would rather eat tin foil than actually work at. But the time has come for drastic measures. And the time has come for me to drop any illusions about actually being able to earn a living anymore as a writer. I did for several years. And I really thought I could continue. It was my dream for most of my life. But I guess the time has come for me to let go of the dream and wake up. I sure wish I could have slept a little while longer. In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to learn how to do website design. Anyone want to teach me the finer points? I have the basics and can alter sites that are already up. I just need to learn how to set one up from scratch. Moving foward...right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot...

I promised Dad that when I came home I would walk each day just as we had done when I was in Iowa. I have done that nearly every day. The only days I didn't was on Friday when I was getting the calls from Dominos and their insurance agents. I needed to have my notes with me and didn't want to carry them with me to the mall. I've tried walking outside, and it's still a bit too hard for me. I walked down to the supermarket with Adam, but there isn't a good place to sit along the way, and I still need to do that. Plus, the pollen count is really high right now. So I think I need to really stick with the mall. I checked into the mall walking program at the mall near us, and there doesn't seem to be one ( I think I mentioned that before), so I just go until I"m really tired. I have the time right now, so I might as well just do the walking and resting thing each time until my legs and feet hurt. No pain, no gain, right? I started working with my weights in the evenings, and this coming week I'll start using my bike again, too. Maybe I can go clothes shopping again. Ah yes, the silver lining again! :) Some goals are still attainable, and I will not give up.

Today's Tip:
When life involves sorting through a lot of crap (sometimes literally), keep moving forward toward the goals you know you can still achieve. Maybe, just maybe you'll find that the others are still achievable, too. It's worth a try.

Week 2, Day 2

The show was great last night. I really like these people, and I appreciate the trainers' advice throughout the show. I don't have a favorite contestant I'm rooting for yet -- I really love them all. And the really neat thing about last night is that NONE of the contestants had to go home. Very cool. :)

"Watching your diet, counting your calories, moving....it works!" --Abby, Biggest Loser, Season 8 contestant.

I went to the doctor today about my back. Not my choice to go. Adam was home yesterday when I was in so much pain, and he insisted that I go. In fact, he made the appointment and then told me he wouldn't take no for an answer. Good son. Since I don't have health insurance and am on unemployment --which isn't a whole bunch of money -- he even said he would pay for the doctor and tests if I couldn't pay. Poor kid. I'm sorry I worry him. He's such a caring person.

Anyway, the doctor gave me some prescriptions for heavy duty pain killers. And he said if they don't work, he will refer me on to a surgeon. He believes there's a possibility that anything beyond what painkillers can handle will be related to my history of scoliosis and will need surgical intervention. So...a bit of a depressing day.

I think I must be one of those people who doesn't handle things well. Stress. Pain. Fear. Depressing stuff. My body tends to react by going to sleep. So I slept a lot today. No exercise, no eating. Just sleep. And frankly, I'd like to be sleeping right now. I'll get over it. I always do. I'm just going to wallow in all this tonight, and then I'll be up and "normal" tomorrow.

There was good news at the doctor's office today. You know, they always weigh people when they arrive. I wasn't looking forward to that. I didn't want to find out that I had gained weight. But I was pleasantly surprised. The scales said 254, which means a 5 pound loss instead of only 3. I'm not going to allow myself to get into the trap of weighing myself each day, though, because I know I'll just end up riding the highs and lows as weight fluctuates from day to day. But it was really nice to see 254 on the scale today!

Food: I had a small pop on the way to the doctor and four tater-tots from Adam's meal from Sonic. I woke up hungry this evening. Adam wanted pizza. I got pizza and a breadbowl pasta for him and pasta primavera pasta bowl for me from Dominos. Pasta, spinach, tomatoes, onions, and mushrooms. I had a bit of his pizza too...just a small piece. I checked their website , and it says only 543 calories. I realize I could have eaten a lot more and a lot healthier things. But the pasta made me happier. And 543 calories isn't terrible. I'm stuffed now. But I may eat a banana before bed if I get hungry.

Tomorrow I'll get back on the bike and eat well. I need to lose weight before surgery (okay, IF there is a surgery...) so risks are limited and recovery will be easier. Gotta keep moving forward...awake.